A Complete Idiot's Guide to Skiiing
by Rockinpandabear
Summary: AU, Possible RikuSora and Akuroku. Riku, a ski instructor takes us into the world of skiing. Complete with newbies and ski poles. Riku hates us already. -hiatus for now,it WILL be finished!-
1. Rule 1: Whatever the Chalet says, goes

_ The Complete Idiot's Guide to Skiing_

**Hey again, it's been quite awhile since I wrote another fic hasn't it? I just haven't been able to get my mind to stay on track you know haha. Well might as well get this over with.**

**Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts is not mine nor will it ever be, those lucky b*stard's at Square Enix and Disney own the rights. Also I'm not making any money off this. And no...Sora is not mine either *sniffle*.**

**Well wasn't that fun =3**

**Warning(s): Completely AU, Slash-friendship, BL?, Talkative/Ranting Instructor!Riku.**

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During my years as an Instructor for Table Mountain, I've had my fair share of misinformed beginners. In teaching such beginners I've been forced to develop my own brand of teaching techniques; because really, it's not in _what_ you teach them but in _how_ you teach them.

With that in mind my work is usually done in under an hour; I can be quite persuasive. I've heard myself referred to as a jackass or jerk from time to time but at least I get the job done, questionable techniques or not. Actually I think the other instructors are just jealous. This could explain why I'm always stuck with the drooling fangirls and small children. Oh and the clumsy newbies, not to forget them.

I really hate my co-workers.

Wait, did you just hear something? A bell? Oh fuck I'm late. You can follow if you want but I'm not paying for your lesson.

_Ding ding_

Screw it just come along. Maybe you'll actually learn something. _Smirk._ Of course you will, I'll be the one teaching you.

_Full out running_. _Silver hair flies everywhere, lucky prick...._

_**-Minutes Later-**_

Sometimes I thank god the hills are just outside otherwise I'd be in deep shit. It's not that I don't enjoy chatting with people, it's just that it makes me incredibly late. Hence the stoic "I'm hot shit don't touch me" attitude.

It usually repels people like you.

Oh look, my class is here. I thank god it's the last class of the day, simply because teaching gets to be a bore. Especially at my age.

May as well introduce myself.

"Hi my name is Riku and I'll be your instructor for the day. If you have any serious health problems speak up now or get the hell out of my class."

Harsh I know, but it has to be done. Most people are shocked when I say such things. There are seriously ill people who try to learn to ski. In the friggin cold. I'm trying to help them and they still call me a bastard. And people wonder why I'm a jerk. Whatever.

The sick ones like to grumble and complain when they leave, probably to make me feel guilty. Shit, I haven't felt guilt since I was sixteen.

And that was because I ran my car into a dog house and drove away.

**- Later -**

It's only been a few minutes and I already hate half this class. Angry bastards, the whole lot of em. Okay maybe only a select few.

And this class lasts an hour at most? _Oh goodie,_ forgive me if I don't jump for joy.

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Yeah I'm ending this chapter here even though I have more pages written for this story. It probably won't be long. Expect the next chapter tomorrow or something haha. I find it funny that this was supposed to be an essay for my Phys. Ed class. Somehow it turned into this. Inspiration pops outta no where doesn't it xD.

Who is Riku talking to anyways? You'd be surprised, I was.

Review! It's better than Oreos!

~RPB


	2. Rule 2: Ski Pole Optional

Remember those techniques I vaguely mentioned? Well... I guess word gets around. How do I figure? Look at my class, the half that wasn't seriously ill has been reduced to one quarter of the original size. Hmm.... I've yet to decide if this is good or not. Whatever. It works in my favour. Tch.

One would assume I'm happy that most of the giggling females decided they were better off gossiping about Jesse McCartney or someother teen star in the Chalet. Away from me. Turds. Oh yeah as I was saying, it's not that I'm not happy per se, more that I'm annoyed. _Snort._ Okay that's a lie since I'm practically dancing here.

_Flicks hair over shoulder._ Sometimes I really hate teenagers, despite being one myself. No wonder teachers are usually pissed off at us, we are shitty learners.

Oh, looks like some of the peons decided they can handle me. Hmm......is that brunette checking me out? Guess not but whatever it's time to work my magic.

**- A Good 15 Minutes Later-**

Hmm.... my class has some potential. Seems like shift should be over soon at this rate. Yes.

Ah, I suppose I should tell you about some of my students eh? Well there's this red head, Kairi I think, who's mastered the basics. She's ready for me to sign her ticket so she can get onto the larger hills. Her perpetual companion Hayner seems ready as well. The kid's a fucking stoner I swear and if he makes another Snow man joke I'm killing the fucker. Screw it I'll just sign his ticket and get him outta here. Those two bicker like an old married couple and it's driving me Coocoo for friggin cocoa pops here.

They'd give Marluxia and Vexen a run for their money. Not that I said that of course. They don't know that I know their secret which reminds me you don't know anything either got that? Good.

Wait....do I sense impending doom?

"Hello my favourite Tinsel-haired princess I've come to join your group!"

.....Damnit! Why must I always be right? Also why in the nine hells did Axel have to show up? He's going to ruin my decidedly good day. If he wasn't my best friend I'd kill him. Looks like my class is waiting for me to reply, ungrateful turds.

"

"Fine but if I hear that you burnt down another tree I swear to god Axel I'll never talk to you again. Not even in the next life. In fact just give me whatever flammable object your carrying."

_Smirk._ Yes I'm blantantly smirking at his shock. I've never taken away his fire you see. Never.

"Come on Riku it was ONE TIME! That tree was dying anyways. Can you blame me if I felt the need to put it out of it's sad, miserable existence?"

"Axel, it was a frickin TREE! Trees do not feel pain."

"On the contrary Riku dear, magical trees like Ents feel pain."

"Those are from Lord of the Rings Axel, they do not exist."

"Says you, no imagination what so ever."

"..... oh yeah? I don't need an imagination to see what you did to that ski pole. Or the actual ski that went with it."

"....You swore never to mention that again."

" Axel."

"Yeah?"

"Shut up and get your skis."

My students most likely think I'm a freak by now but whatever, there's a good chance I won't see them after today. Unless they seriously need coaching, like that brunette from earlier does. Man.....he can't even go two feet without falling down. I believe his name is Sora. Besides what little progress he's made is really all thanks to both my fantastic teaching methods and that blonde kid. Roxas I think. And people say I don't pay attention. Tch, fools.

Hmmm.... Sora, maybe I should offer him some more lessons or something? I'll ask Axel later.

Speak of the devil here he comes now.

Oh fuck no, not another ski pole.

_Sigh._

I knew he'd ruin my day.

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Aaaaaand that's a wrap! For this chapter anyways haha. Sadly the only interaction Riku's had with Sora and his students is telling them the basics and how to do them, nothing personal yet.

So what horrors will arise because of Axel's pole? Riku really doesn't want to find out. Also what does Sora have planned for his instructor?

Answers on the next chaptah!

Review! It's better than sliced bread!

~RPB


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